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Chrissy Costanza: “I Hope We’ll Be Together At A Show, Our True Home, Soon”

Chrissy Costanza
Chrissy Costanza 25 November 2020 at 17.00

Chrissy looks back on the things she is thankful for.

Photo credit: Jordan Knight

Time for another edition of Chrissy's Column, a look inside the mind of the voice of Against The Current. This month, Chrissy talks about the things that she is thankful for...

When I’m writing this, Thanksgiving in the States is about to be upon us. This is typically a time where family gets together, eats a metric ton of food, and somewhere in there is an underlying theme of giving thanks. It’s strange to think about being thankful in the midst of one of our worst years as a human race collectively. We’ve seen so much loss; we’ve mourned so much. Our favorite local restaurants and pubs have gone out of business, we haven’t seen friends or family members in months, many of us lost jobs, some of us lost loved ones. A lot of our greatest joys were stripped of us, I imagine if you’re reading this you probably ache for concerts as much as I do currently. Therefore, to be thankful in a time that feels so overwhelmingly dark feels strange, but lately I’ve realized just how much the darkness has made me realize what I am thankful for. I’ve also learned a stern lesson to never take the little moments for granted.

There was a point last year, where I didn’t know if Against the Current would make it to this year. Where perhaps that show in London last December was the last show we’d ever play. It almost felt real for a moment. That show was magic, there was tangible electricity in the room. If you were there, you’ll remember I wasn’t outside signing like I normally would be at the end of a tour. To be honest with you, I was upstairs in the back of the bus, full on sobbing, as everything I had been suppressing throughout the year crashed over me like a tidal wave, knocking the wind right out of me. I had never felt so unsure of myself, unsure of my life, my choices. I felt an enormous pressure and weight, that everyone there was depending on me to get it together and I was failing over and over again. I really thought that was the last time. I had really stripped myself down to my last shred of hope.

In retrospect it was a death and a rebirth that was necessary. A micro-reincarnation that allowed me to see clearly again, relight my fire, and forge a new path. I felt empowered again, still a bit unsure, a bit shaky, but standing independently. “that won’t save us” was of course born and I’ll be completely honest, your reaction to it was pivotal for me. I told you I was absolutely terrified to release it last time, but those fears melted within moments of your first reactions flooding my messages. I have to say thank you, you can’t even begin to imagine how much I needed that.

I’ve kind of gone on a tangent that doesn’t seem to relate to being thankful, but it does, thank you for bearing with my rambling. In this emotional rollercoaster, I’ve realized how grateful I am for things so tiny that they are often overlooked. I’ve craved some of the smallest moments on tour as much as I’ve craved the biggest. Getting a full (veggie) English breakfast on the ferry crossing from France to the UK after having woken up at 4am for border crossing is one of those things. The whole band and crew would be huddled around our beans on toast and what not, grouped at a couple of tables near the window, half asleep and bleary eyed. On the theme of toast, I miss making toast and a cup of tea at 2am after a show, as the bus starts to drive away, and we’re all trying to decompress and come down off the massive high we’ve just experienced. I love those little moments. I even will go so far as to say I miss hearing footsteps or light (emphasis on *light*) snoring throughout the bunks in the early morning hours because it’s unbelievably comforting to realize you’re surrounded by family. It’s always a bit disconcerting coming home and sleeping alone in a full-size room after living on a bus with 10 others for months.

It’s insane how many of the little moments I totally took for granted or even complained about that I miss more than anything right now and am so thankful for. I am so grateful to have seen so much of the world, to have felt at home in places so far from where I grew up, and to have met so many wonderful people. I’m grateful for Christmas markets in Germany, Wetherspoons in the UK, and night markets throughout Asia. I’m most thankful for you, taking the time to read this, maybe we’ve met, maybe we haven’t. But I hope we’ll be together at a show, our true home, soon. It’s been a wild time, I can’t wait for more.

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