Chrissy has some things to get off her chest in her latest column.
Being in a band I get to travel a hell of a lot, and it’s incredible. I get to meet amazing people, see awe-inspiring places and eat delicious food.
But I have also met my fair share of horrible, terrible, obnoxious people, mostly in airports and on planes. I don’t know what it is, but something about airports and planes either attracts the lowest forms of human life or brings out the absolute worst in people.
Seriously, these people suck. Most of the time, it’s actually pretty funny within a couple hours of the ordeal being over – I’ve always joked that I’m going to write a book about the worst people on planes. However, since I barely even have time to take a shower every day, this article will be a good starting point for me.
So here are a few of my favourite, comically shitty plane people. Let’s start with the gentleman (it makes me laugh to even call him that, but hey, I’m not the worst kind of person so I’ll try to be nice) sitting next to me right now. Seriously – I’m writing this on a plane and the dude sitting next to me is awful. The worst part is that I wasn’t even supposed to be sitting next to him – a woman switched so she could sit next to her husband. Which I guess is understandable, but still.
Anyways, I digress. I’m a small person, and small people have small organs. Small organs means small bladders, so your girl here usually has to use the restroom on a flight. This guy was unbelievably annoyed at me for asking to scooch by so I could use the restroom.
I wonder how he would have liked it if I just peed my pants next to him instead? But that’s not even the worst thing – the flight attendant comes around the with the little snack basket and oh no! There are no peanuts! She very politely explains that someone on the plane is deathly – let me repeat, deathly – allergic to peanuts. This guy gets so mad that he’s huffing and puffing, rolling his eyes and breathing heavily, looking through the other snacks with his jaw clenched before pushing the basket away and going, “Whatever – forget it.” Sorry that someone has a life-threatening allergy, dude. Seems like you’re used to not having any nuts though, so maybe get over it.
The next terrible person was from last year. I was on a flight and sitting in an exit row. The guy next to me apparently had a problem with the size of his seat, which mind you, is the same size as everyone else’s seat but with more legroom. So he decides that I’m going to be cool with it if he lifts up the armrest between us and sits, no exaggeration, halfway on my fucking seat on an eight-hour flight. Thankfully, he actually had to switch seats because he couldn’t sit in an exit row, or perhaps just didn’t want to.
My next shout out is actually for a flight attendant on one of our flights from this last tour. There were a couple of open rows in the back of the plane and I wasn’t feeling well, so I asked one of the flight attendants if I could move to one of the empty rows, and she said yes. This male flight attendant came over and asked me if there was a problem. I very nicely explained that I just wasn’t feeling well, so I moved to the back to not disturb the strangers sitting next to me. He told me that they didn’t allow moving seats on the flight in a very, very fake, nice but secretly nasty voice.
I said that I was sorry but that I had cleared it with another flight attendant before switching. He then switched to this completely different voice that was straight up venomous, and started explaining to me how sitting next to strangers was part of flying, before calling me “sweetie”. I stayed super-kind the entire time, thinking he’d leave me alone eventually. I just said, “Look, I fly a lot…” and was about the explain how I was unaware of the seat policy because no other airline had ever had an issue with it, when he cut me off and snapped at me. “If you fly so much then you should have known better.” Mind you, again, that I had already asked for permission to move. He was just an asshole.
I could go on for a year, but for now these are my top three.