The Steel Panther guitarist pens a note to the man he used to be. Yup, it’s Friday.
This is Satchel from 50 years from now. Right now you're only eight and there are things you need to know. First of all, don't worry about your penis size. Lot's of eight year olds have small peckers. It's totally normal. Not that I've seen a lot of eight year old peckers, mind you...I just...well...let's move on.
You'll be happy to know that in the future they will have the technology to actually INCREASE the size of your penis!! You'll also be stoked to know that your surgery goes very well. They will even remove some of that extra scrotum that gets caught in your zipper at no extra charge. This is going to be great for you, my lad, because you are going to be in one of the greatest heavy metal bands the world will ever know!! I know, it's killer!!! The band will be called Steel Panther and you will get more pussy than all the other guys in the band combined!!! And in a couple of decades, girls start to SHAVE the hair off their vaginas!!! So much easier to eat. And you can see warts and open sores as well.
Listen,in the 80's, you are going to have an opportunity to sign a record deal with David Geffen. Don't do it. Geffen is going to try to ﬁnger your asshole or make you suck him off. And that's just to get signed. If you want to be a priority, it's going to take a lot more. Just ask any of the guys in Whitesnake. Also, don't play Donkey Kong or Pac Man. Save those quarters and invest in a company called Starbucks.
Ummm...when you are 12, you are going to have sex with your history teacher, Miss Manzulo. Don't cum inside of her. She's incredibly fertile and it will haunt you later when she loses her job and needs money. Also, I might as well tell you now. Van Halen is gonna break up. And, brace yourself - Sammy Hagar is going to join the band. I know what you're thinking, but no - pigs are not going to ﬂy out of your ass. Wait, you haven't heard Van Halen yet, have you? Well, start practicing your ﬁnger tapping, okay?
Also there is a movie called Honey I Shrunk the Kids, don't go see that. It sucks. Ummm, you're gonna wanna fuck a chick named Tawny Kitaen. Do it in the 80's, she's beat now. Just...beat. Also, don't take all those vitamins, turns out they don't do a goddam thing. And cancel your New York trip in 2001. Bad Idea. Also, a magazine called Rock Sound is going to want you on the cover in 2014. You should let the other guys in the band do it with you, just to keep resentment at bay. But keep all the money for yourself. $150 is still a lot of money in the future. Oh. And the winning California lottery number for January 18, 2014, is 13 14 19 31 38 25.
I love you Satchel,
Go see Satchel on Steel Panther's UK tour, the dates are as follows:
14 - LINCOLN Engine Shed
15 - WOLVERHAMPTON Civic Hall
18 - NEWCASTLE O2 Academy
19 - GLASGOW O2 Academy
20 - SHEFFIELD O2 Academy
22 - CAMBRIDGE Corn Exchange
23 - BRISTOL Academy
24 - NOTTINGHAM Rock City
26 - LONDON 02 Brixton Academy
For more head to steelpantherrocks.com.